Growing Up

It's never easy growing up. I don't know why that it is. Maybe, like the butterfly, the struggle is what gives us the strength to fly.

My parents are Bible translators with Wycliffe in Papua New Guinea (I grew up on the beach in the South Pacific - hence the name of my blog). Last year they completed what they call the first of a series of 100%'s. They finished the rough draft translations of the entire New Testament. It's taken them 35 years to do that. Now it has to go through an entire slew of tests, back translations, revisions, etc. until it's in final publishable form. This takes a while, so they're planning on having the dedication of the New Testament in Sursurunga in 2010.

Here's the rub. I grew up until my early teen years as part of the Sursurunga. I first went out to the village when I was 5 months old. They immediately adopted me (and my parents) and I've been one of them ever since. I spoke their language without an accent. Lived their culture. Grew up with many of their values. Almost all of my best and truest friends were Sursurunga. Almost all of my favourite people were Sursurunga. Then, due to circumstances beyond my control, I was unable to go back to the village or the people after about 7th grade. I've now lived more than half of my life outside of PNG, and even more than that away from the people of my heart. To them I still belong to them - they ask my parents about me, send greetings through them, keep track of my life.

The truth is, I'm terrified of going back. Because I don't feel like I fully belong to them anymore.
I haven't spoken Sursurunga (except for the occasional spurt here and there) for probably 20 or more years and have lost most of it. I've been through so much since I last saw them and I'm no longer the person I was, the person they remember. I have grown in very different directions, and while they are still a part of me, they are a much smaller part of me than they used to be. What will they think? Will they recognize me? Will they even believe that I'm the one who used to be their friend/son/nephew/brother?

I haven't been back to PNG since I left in 1991, and I've always told people that it was because I couldn't afford it. Granted, it's very expensive. But the truth of the matter is that if I had really wanted to, I could have made it happen at some point. But I realized recently, faced with the reality that I will be going back in 2010 for the dedication, that not only am I scared of going back now, but I've lived for so long scared of going back at all.

Why? Not because I'm different - but because I'm afraid they'll reject me because I'm different. I've faced so much rejection in my life - and internalized too much of it. But these are my family - a truer extended family in many ways than my biological one. They have always loved me and accepted me no matter what. And I am afraid that they won't anymore. I'm not the person they once knew, the one they remember. I have faced struggles and challenges that on one level they couldn't ever imagine. I have seen things and experienced things that they've never heard of. I am no longer one of them. And I am afraid that they will turn me out because of that.

Is that fear grounded? Probably not. Does that make it go away? I'm sure you can guess the answer to that one. I realized, though, today that I've been thinking this experience is unique to me, that nobody else has ever experienced it and won't be able to sympathize. I just have to laugh at myself sometimes. I suppose it's something that we all have to go through at some point or another. None of us are the person we were when we were in 6th or 7th grade (except those of us who are there right now :). We (almost) all take paths that are different than our parents, our friends, our hometown - we pull away, we change, we grow - and then we come back unrecognizable. Just because I happened to move 10,000 miles away doesn't make it any worse or harder for me than anybody else. On the other hand, it doesn't make it any better or easier for me, either.

And, from my parents descriptions, I think it works the other way, too. When I go back I probably won't recognize much that has changed and is new. I mean they have schools and flushing toilets and electricity now! Go figure.

So, yes, growing up is hard. But some day, sooner rather than later, I need to face my fears and trust that my people, my family will love and accept me no matter what. That love isn't based on differences or similarities, agreements, or growth. They love me simply because I am who I am. I am Andam and I am theirs. Now and forever. No matter how much I change.

The Good News

My wife and I belong to an email listserve that is specifically for MK's and TCK's, but deals with all sorts of issues. In any case, I was reading an email from one of the other members today about the difficulty he has with the exclusivity of Christianity - that the only way to forgiveness and eternal life is through Jesus Christ and his death and resurrection, and the fact that you have to believe that in order to reap the benefits. His argument was that normally "good news" doesn't require belief. It simply tells about reality as it is. He gave the example of a death row inmate who is given a last minute pardon by the governor. He may not believe the pardon is real, but that doesn't keep it from being real, or the guards from unstrapping him and releasing him from prison. His unbelief doesn't affect the reality of his good news. The emailer then went on to claim that either Christ's sacrifice was effective for all regardless of their belief, or it wasn't. And if it wasn't, then all the belief in the world isn't going to achieve forgiveness or salvation for you.

My wife responded that the difference is that the prison warden from the above example doesn't REQUIRE belief or compliance. Regardless of how the inmate feels about it, he's going to be unstrapped and put out of the prison, and that will be that. Christ essentially offers us an open door and we are free to choose whether we will step through into freedom, or continue in our bondage. This is true, but I think it is somewhat incomplete. Our friend's original problem was with the exclusivity of the Christian faith, but the answer to this also deals with the necessity of "belief".

To me, the Christian faith is not so much about what you believe or how hard you believe, though neither of these is unimportant, but about your relationship with Jesus Christ. Before Christ's death on the cross we were stuck in bondage because of our sin. We had no freedom to leave our sins behind us and come to Christ. Through his death and resurrection he has won for us the freedom to leave our sins, to "put on a robe of righteousness", and to come to him. But in my opinion, this is only the beginning. He has, essentially, given us the ability to introduce ourselves to him, but the Christian life is (or should be) about everything that comes after that. It is about growing daily in our knowledge of and love for Christ, just as we do with our spouse or best friend. And the thing is, he's the only one who can tell us how to do it. It is like this...

Imagine two men who are imprisoned in a dungeon, ransomed for a price that neither they nor their families can pay in a lifetime (or several). They believe in God, but have never met him face to face, and so have some confused ideas about who he is and how he operates. Now, imprisoned with them are others who claim to be gods - Buddha, Krishna, and a whole host of others. These others tell them many things that sound good at the time. Perhaps Krishna tells them that this is not the only life, that perhaps they are paying for an evil deed in a previous life, so they must suffer in this one, but if they will only be on their best behaviour, then after they die they will be reincarnated as something better, and hopefully freer. Buddha tells them that if they will only deny their bodies and achieve the proper level of enlightenment then their spirits will shed their bodies and ascend into a higher place where they will be free forever. Everything they hear sounds good and they decide between the two of them that probably all of them have a grain of truth, that perhaps God is to be found through any of these paths - after all they all offer freedom of some sort at some point, if you're good enough.

Then one day the door is opened and a man walks in. He is fairly plain looking, dressed in sturdy, everyday kind of clothes and with a kind but unremarkable face. He introduces himself as Jesus Christ and announces that he has paid the ransom for these two men and they are free to follow him. He warns them ,though, that there are lots of pitfalls and deceptive turns in the castle on the way out, so they must be sure to follow him exactly in order to get outside and past the moat and enter with him an eternal life of freedom. If they stray there are guards waiting to bring them back to the dungeon. This is such good news that both men leap to their feet holding out their manacles to be unlocked and unhesitatingly follow Jesus out the door. They discover he was not kidding - he takes them up stairs, down winding hallways, through empty rooms, back and forth and around in dizzying patterns. He never stumbles or looks confused but confidently strides forward towards where he knows the exit to be. But as warned they face many temptations to leave the path he is taking them on. They see rooms on either side of them filled with wonderful things that they have only dreamed about during their incarceration. Tables laden with delicious looking food and clear water and wine. Mountains of gold and jewels and untold wealth. Well dressed, good-looking people who beckon them to join in revelry and merry-making. Finally, they pass a door that looks as if it leads outside into a beautiful garden where water plays over a fountain and the birds sing merrily in the trees. One of the men stops the other.

"Doesn't this look like the outside he has promised us? Surely this winding way he is taking us on isn't the only way out - you can see it there just through this door."

"I know what it looks like," is the reply, "but he said that we would easily be deceived. Since he is the only one who was able to pay our ransom, I think we should trust him."

"But remember what we learned in the dungeon, that there are many ways to God. Look, his way is taking too long - I don't see any guards, but I can see the outside right there and I can't wait any longer!"

With that he plunged through the door and into the waiting hands of the guards who were standing on either side of the door and who took him back to the dungeon.

The other turned back to find Jesus had stopped to wait for them. He stood there with tears streaming down his face knowing the bondage the other had just returned himself to.

"Will you still follow me?" Jesus asks.

"Yes my Lord! You have given me freedom and I will follow you into death if I must!"

Jesus smiles and turns to continue on his way. After what seems like hours, they come to a huge set of iron doors, which Jesus opens with ease and leads his new friend out into sunshine and clean air. Soon they are across the drawbridge and into the open land that surrounds them. The man turns to look at the castle they just came from and is shocked to discover that even from the outside it looks dark and grimy and dingy, a forboding and sinister place. Jesus places his hands on the man's shoulders and gently turns him around, pointing off into the distance towards the foothills of the mountains.

"There is where I am taking you. I have already prepared a room for you, and in my castle you will never want for anything. You will always be free."

The man smiles to see a golden castle, shining in the sun. Even from a distance it seems a cleaner, more joyful place than that which is behind them. With a renewed hope he sets off after Jesus towards his new home.

Now the other man is back in the dungeon. They have not put his manacles back on, but having no idea how to get out on his own he is just as effectively stuck as he ever was. Jesus returns and offers again to lead him to safety, but the man decides that he is not to be trusted since he did not have the power to keep him from being imprisoned again when he left the path, and so chooses to stay where he is, hoping that Buddha or Krishna or one of the other gods will finally help him to escape.

Football, Marriage & Transformation

Marriage changes you! Yes, I know, to those of you who are married (even to those of you who aren't but have close married friends) that doesn't come as a surprise. I even expected it when I got married. You know, the whole idea of the 'sacred marriage' - the tumbler in which God smooths away those rough edges and shapes you more and more into the person He wants you to be. That incredibly intimate relationship in which the other person knows all of your deep dark secrets and weaknesses and failures and shortcomings and yet somehow accepts you as you are and helps you to overcome them and become better than you were. That lofty, spiritual ideal.

Yeah! That's it. So I'm sure you can understand why it came as such a shock to me today when I realized that I'm actually enjoying football! That's one change I never expected to happen - even for the love of my life.

You see, I used to hate (American) football. I thought it was stupid, boring, disgusting, and certainly not worth the fanatical dedication it seemed to inspire in its fans. It had no finesse. It was just a bunch of over-muscled macho freaks bluntly running into each other. "Yaaaawn" at best. "Idiots!" at worst.

Now true football: futbol. Don't even get me started on the glories of futbol! The skill, the finesse, the grace! After all football is only a provincial pasttime, a product of the thuggish imaginings of those gauche Americans. But futbol - that crosses borders - it is a beloved pasttime of the rest of the world and surely six continents cannot be wrong, can they? But I digress...

Now imagine my distress when I discovered that I had married cross-culturally without knowing it. I love futbol - she's immersed in the culture of football. Yikes! Well, okay, I can accept her as she is, I guess. Sunday afternoons will just be an excuse for a little alone time. I can get some reading done, recharge for the week ahead. We can make this work.

Now we have a daughter and my wife wants to indoctrinate that poor, innocent soul. And our friends - the ones we usually have lunch with on Sundays after church? - want to get together for football potlucks on Sunday afternoon. So I find myself thrown unwittingly into situations where I can't avoid it without looking un-Christian for avoiding our Christian community (I am joking, of course). My wife and friends are trying to teach my daughter how to say "Go Bears!", and I at my subversive best twist it into "Goobers!"

The truth of the matter is, though, that it's difficult to avoid for too long something that is so important to someone who is so important to you. Out of sheer confusion I began asking questions, and now I find myself actually understanding what's going on on the field and some of the, yes, finesse that is occurring. And today I didn't even realize until afterwards that I spontaneously cheered when the Bears won in overtime and genuinely felt excited that they had done so! Hold on. Wait a minute. What?! Does this mean I like football? Yikes! How did that happen?

Marriage changes you! And, yes, I know that doesn't come as a surprise. But every now and then a change occurs in me, under the radar, without me even realizing it until after the fact, that takes me entirely by surprise. In some small or large way I come closer to my wife, become more one with her. Sometimes it's a matter of faith. And sometimes it's a matter of football. Now if I can just get her to start watching the World Cup.

Politics

Okay - what is up with all the mud-slinging political ads? Here I thought that 2 year olds and junior highers weren't allowed to run for political office. Silly me! But seriously, if you have to tear down your opponents in order to strengthen your own position then maybe you shouldn't be running for political office.

The thing that really bugs me though, is that these aren't logical, thoughtful rebuttals of the agenda and values of their opponents. They're raw emotional attacks, designed to bypass the mind and incite negative emotions such as fear, worry, hate, condescension and anger. And they expect people to vote well after being worked into such a state?

And why do people vote on the issues anyway? Why are special interest groups such a strong - and revered - force? In my mind, you should be voting for someone you trust to do a good job, and make good, sound decisions - and by that I DO NOT mean that they will make only decisions that you agree with. Nobody is going to make decisions that everyone agrees with all of the time! One of the lessons of growing up and becoming a mature adult is that you're not always going to get your own way, and people do not always have to agree with you. And even in the political/governmental arena - that's okay. The country's not going to fall apart. Really.

The problem with current political ads, even the 'positive' ones, is that they don't really deal with how the person makes decisions, or how the decisions they've made in the past have turned out. They don't give you any idea whether they're capable of making good, strong, well-reasoned decisions. Or, just as importantly, if they're capable of standing by decisions, even under pressure. This seems to me to be a better political skill than fighting for the issue of whatever special interest group will give you the most money.

Next year I'd like to see a new generation of political ads. 1) I'd like to see a complete lack of negative, mud-slinging, junior-highish ads. 2) I'd like to see ads that use logic and reason, rather than raw emotion. 3) I'd like to see ads that deal not only with WHAT decisions have been made in the past by a candidate, but WHY they made those decisions, and HOW those decisions turned out. Then I might actually have a reason to vote!

(Republican elephant and Democratic Donkey above from their respective Committe websites. Does not imply endorsement of the Republican or Democratic party in any way, shape or form.)

Thursday Thirteen #2 - Ways to Use Pumpkin

In honour of fall, halloween, Thanksgiving and general pumpkin season here are a few ideas on how to use this ubiquitous fall vegetable.

1. Obviously, carve it into fantastic shapes, such as tiger faces. (See www.pumpkingutter.com)
2. Pumpkin-Ginger Cloud - a layer of gingersnap crust, a layer of chocolate, a layer of pumpkin mousse and a layer of whipped cream. Deeeelicious!
3. Pumpkin Chicken Stew - use cubes of pumpkin instead of potatoes in the stew and add a whole new dimension of taste.
4. Savory Pumpkin Dip - mix cooked pumpkin with cream cheese, sauteed onions, salt, pepper and any herbs or spices you might like. Serve with crackers or bread.
5. Roasted pumpkin seeds, lightly salted.
6. Anger management or stress relief. Lift pumpkin high over your head and smash into the ground or sidewalk as hard as you possibly can. Stomp on the remains (possibly imagining them as the brains of your boss, or?...) until the anger has drained out of you.
7. Fill ten 2 litre bottles with water and set them up in a triangle, then use a pumpkin as a backyard bowling ball.
8. Draw or carve a face on the pumpkin and use it as the head for a scarecrow.
9. Did you know you can eat pumpkin leaves? Go to a local pumpkin patch and ask if you can have some - use them in a stew, or in any recipe you would use spinach in.
10. Cut a smallish pumpkin (perhaps a longer, narrower squash would work better for this) in half. Tape a triangular piece of paper or cloth to a skewer and stick it into the flesh of the pumpkin as a sail. Float it as a sailboat in your bathtub, or in a pond or river near you.
11. Cook the traditional pumpkin-marshmallow stuff in a scooped out pumpkin and use the shell as a decorative serving dish.
12. Scoop out the seeds and as much of the meat as possible, bend a wire coat hangar into a handle shape, stick into opposite sides of the pumpkin near the top, and carry it as a costume purse for halloween.
13.vqqqqqqqgggtf bbbbbbbbbbb bghgr hyhh (That's my daughter's way of saying 'Come up with your own - you are only limited by your imagination!')

Spiritual Authority

I have been thinking a lot lately about the spiritual authority I have as a father in the life of my child. It's not something I hear preached or spoken about very much in the church. Of course we have authority in general over our children, authority to choose for them what they will wear, or eat, or do (or not do), where they go to school, even to some degree which friends they will have and who they interact with. We also have authority to shape them through discipline and teach them how to grow up into an adult step by step; to teach them values and morals and faith. This is all well and good, truly good.

But what I don't hear spoken very much, if at all, is the authority we have as fathers and parents, to stand in our children's place in the spiritual realm before God and against Satan. The one place I hear this dealt with is during infant baptism when parents take the spiritual authority to make a decision for Christ for their children. It is done with the understanding that one day that child must make their own decision either for or against Christ (hopefully for), but for as long as the parents' authority extends they will submit this child to Christ's will. Then we go on with our lives, assuming we've done the right thing, and that's that, and we trust Christ for the rest (if I sound accusatory I'm only accusing myself - the "we" in this case being a "royal" we).

However, it was brought home to me recently that my spiritual authority in the life of my daughter doesn't end with choosing to baptize her. You see, I struggle with masturbation and fantasy. It is something my wife and I have dealt with many times in our marriage, and I know that it affects her and hurts her. I had been doing well for a while, but then a few days ago I did it again. At first, I didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to tell her about it, so I kept it to myself. Now, my wife has noticed in the past that usually when I masturbate, I have really bad nightmares until I deal honestly with it, which was the case this time as well. I know many of you will scoff, saying I have nightmares because of unresolved guilt or something. But I truly believe that my masturbating gives Satan a foothold into my life, and that my nightmares are at least partly his doing. What struck me this time, however, is that, without exception, for four days every single time I startled awake from a nightmare, heart thumping in terror, my daughter woke up crying or screaming.

I might have dismissed it as a coincidence (she's been teething and sick), were it not for the consistent timing of it. What really amazed me, though, was that a couple of days ago I finally dealt with what I had done. I confessed and repented before the Lord, and then my wife. My wife and I talked it through (it took a while) until she forgave me and we made up :) And since then? My daughter's slept like a baby the whole night through, without waking up at all - as have I.

On the positive side, I pray with my daughter every night as I'm putting her to sleep. Now when she was a bit younger, and I was still learning how to pray for her, I would not always be very specific - I'd pray that the Lord would bless her and protect her, etc. Good stuff, and things I think the Lord honored. As babies are wont to do, she often woke up in the middle of the night when she was teething or sick, and I would have to wake up with her to take care of her. I just assumed, at first, that this was a natural part of parenting. One time, after several nights of sleeplessness, in sheer desperation for sleep and rest, I prayed at bedtime that God would help ease her teething pain during the night and help her to sleep the whole night through, without waking up. What happened? She slept the whole night through without waking up at all. Coincidence? Maybe, but I don't think so. Ever since then I've made that a specific part of our bedtime prayers. But sometimes I forget, and it doesn't get prayed, and she wakes up in the middle of the night. Then I will remember the next night and she'll sleep the whole night through again. That has happened often enough that I can't believe it's just a matter of chance.

Does God act directly and specifically in our lives and the lives of our children? Do we have the authority to ask Him for intervention in the stead of our children? Do we have spiritual authority both for good and for evil in the lives of our children? Do our actions, not just our prayers, have spiritual effects on our children? I would answer yes to all of those! And after my recent experience with sin and forgiveness, it is more important than ever to me that I stand in obedience to God, not just for myself, but to protect the spiritual and physical life of my wife and daughter as well.

(Photograph by Ian Britton)

Thursday Thirteen - Things I Love About Being a Father

1. My daugher's face lights up whenever I come home.
2. I love watching her grow and develop - it's amazing!
3. I've learned more about how God loves me than ever before.
4. I love that I get to teach her about God's love for her (this also terrifies me because I don't always do it very well).
5. She reminds me to "become like a little child" and teaches me every day how to do that.
6. Even when I'm upset with her, I'm glad that I get to keep her, and don't have to give her back at the end of the day.
7. I love to make her giggle! She has such an infectious laugh!
8. I know it sounds selfish, but I love that she looks up to me more than any other man (this is also humbling and terrifying).
9. I get lost in how beautiful she is sometimes - I love looking at her and wondering at how gorgeous she is!
10. I love that she challenges me to be better than I am, for her sake (and she doesn't even know it!).
11. I love making stuff for her - it's somehow more special because it's for her.
12. I love teaching her about the world: words, ideas, images.
13. I love her, just for who she is!